Daddy’s Outing With Liza

So, I (Mark) will try to be brief, but I just want to say that what you are about to read was seriously the funniest and one of the sweetest things that has ever happened to me in my life. With that said, here was the situation…

Jenn was offered a free ticket to go to a Women’s event up at the church tonight. She planned on taking Liza with her, but as dinner came and went it became more and more obvious that she wanted me to keep Liza at home so that she could go by herself. So, on her way out the door, she went through the “mom checklist” just to ensure that I would take care of Liza properly. She told me when she might get hungry, where I could find her milk, how I was supposed to heat it up, and so forth… Then she got in her car and left. 

After about 5 minutes, I decided that it would be a great idea for me to load Liza up in her car seat and take her for a ride in daddy’s truck. I had a few errands to run, and she had never been in my truck, so I thought it would be just perfect. And let me tell you, I had so much fun. It was great! So, we get to Wal-Mart and it is time to get her out and go in. Personally, I really like just getting her out and carrying her in my arms wherever I go instead of lugging around her whole car seat, so that is what I did. As we are walking in, I look down and notice that she only has one purple sock on. I think about how funny this must look, but it doesn’t really bother me at all so I just kind of laugh to myself and keep going… with one sock… 

After finding what I needed, I head up to the cash registers to check out, and I get in line behind this lady who also has a young baby. She turned back and noticed that I only had one item (and probably felt pity for my daughter with only one sock on), so she kindly let me go ahead of her since she had a full cart. As I get to the front, the cashier takes my item and scans it. Well, since it was for work it was supposed to be tax-exempt, but I had not gotten my tax card out of my wallet yet. So, with Liza in my left arm, I get my wallet out with my right and hand him my tax card. He has to unscan the item and start over to enter the church’s tax info, which he didn’t know how to do, so we had to wait for the manager to come help him out. While this is going on, I turned to the kind lady behind me and thanked her again for letting me go ahead of her and apologized for taking so long.

Well, they get it all straitened out, he scans the item, and gives me the total. At this point, I still have Liza in my left arm, and I swipe my work credit card with my right hand. I put the card up and put the wallet in my pocket just in time for the cashier to tell me that my card had been declined. So I get the card back out and tell him that I will swipe it again. After doing so he kindly tells me that it was declined again.

Being the stubborn person that I am, I swipe the same card again, and as I do it, I feel this splash of warm liquid on the top of my foot. I look down and realize that Liza was peeing out of her diaper and it was literally streaming onto the floor. Not knowing what to do, I just stick my leg out to stop it with my jeans so that it didn’t get anymore on the floor. All the while, the cashier is telling me that my card has declined again and that I was going to have to use another form of payment. Realizing that nobody else had seen her pee on the floor, I grab my wallet and use my personal card to finish up the transaction and apologize again to the lady behind me for taking so long. After my card was approved, the cashier gives me my receipt, and in any common check-out this is when everyone thinks I am supposed to finally leave. Right??? Wrong.

The lady behind me with the little baby boy is eager to take her place at the front, but I am not moving. She looks up at me, and all I could think to say is “Do you happen to have any wipes on you?” With this kind of confused look on her face she tells me that she left her diaper bag in the car, so she didn’t have any on her. So then I have to turn to the cashier and tell him that my daughter just peed all over the floor in front of his register. Not knowing what to do, the cashier panics and takes off and runs all the way to the bathroom to find something to wipe it up with.

It was at this point that the manager (the same one who helped us before) sees a register with a long line and no cashier there anymore so she comes by and asks if there was a problem. I calmly explain to her that Liza had peed all over the floor and that I didn’t have anything to wipe it up with. By this time, everyone has heard me explain what was going on, so they are all just looking at me. Thankfully, the manager turns to the register behind ours and finds a large roll of paper towels and hands me some to wipe it up with. So with a pee-soaked baby in one arm, I lean over and sop up all of her urine from the floor. She kindly opens a plastic bag for me to put the towels in, and at this point the cashier is sprinting back towards us with his arms full of unrolled paper towels from the restroom. Seriously, he panicked… it was great!

So I finish wiping it up, and I turn to the lady who let me go in front of her in line and thank her and apologize again for taking so long. By this point I am red faced and am literally sweating because I felt bad that it had taken so long. So after apologizing I asked the cashier if I could leave (we didn’t have anything to spray on the pee… we just wiped it up… thats Wal-Mart for you!), and an older lady in line behind her looked up at me and in that great old lady kind of way said, “Hey, did you realize that your baby only has one sock on?” At this point so many things are going through my mind. I am thinking, “This lady lets me go in front of her only to have my card be declined three times, the manager called over here twice, my daughter peeing all over me and the floor while I don’t have anything to clean it up with, and you really think that I care whether or not she only has one sock on! You have got to be kidding me!” But kind of laughing inside, I turned to her and kindly just explained that my wife had left me with the baby so that she could get some alone time.

She just kind of looked at me with pity, but it was at that point that I was so glad that I could just laugh at the fact that I didn’t have it all together.  I am sure that they just pittied me as a poor new dad, but that was just okay to me. As I turned to leave, I just smiled and looked down at Liza, and soaked in the moment. As crazy as those five minutes were, I wouldn’t trade them for anything. I kissed Liza on the head, walked out to my truck, loaded her up in her car seat, and off we went to Starbucks… A proud daddy and a wet Liza!